Brothers

We're settling into being a family of four quite nicely these days. It's challenging, no doubt, but as Gage gets bigger and continues to interact more and more with us, it gets more worth any challenges.

One of the things I'm most excited about is for Bryce to have someone to play with. Speaking as an only child, I know how easy it is to get too comfortable being alone or in the company of adults.

I am hopeful that having a brother will afford Bryce not just a playmate and confidant, but also a lifelong friend and role model.

On good days, I allow myself to dream of them being buds, sticking up for each other in school and maybe even raising their children near each other like the big family I always dreamed of for myself. But even if Bryce doesn't some day have a family of his own, I hope I'm able to raise Gage to be the kind of boy, brother and eventually man, that is always there for his brother.

I like to think this is the start of all of those hopes and dreams...their first playful interaction.

Developmental Testing Again

Well we just spent the last 2 hours with a string of therapists testing Bryce. I couldn't be more frustrated or discouraged.

It's just so hard to hear that his gross motor skills are at the level of a 10 month baby and that we should consider augmented communication devices because he may not ever talk as his main way of communicating.

I don't know what I expected and I am so very grateful to just have him here with us. But damn it, sometimes it all just feels so unfair. I rarely allow myself to admit this because where is that going to get us?

I just keep hoping that someday I'll hear him say he loves me. That someday he'll be independent. That someday I won't have to worry about what will happen to him after we're gone.

But 3 years of a therapy schedule that would exhaust an adult and we've achieved 10 months of skills. Really!?!

I would give anything to fix this for him. I have given everything I have to get him here. I'll continue to fight for him, advocate for him, push him and love him until I physically can't any longer.

But I get to be a little frustrated right now, first. Right?

Cleaning House

Finally going through the last of Bryce's medical stuff. I never would have guessed it would be hard to throw away oxygen tubing, nasal cannulas and NG tubes.

Wow, why do I still have NG tubes?? We should have ceremoniously burned all of this in a huge bonfire a year and a half ago!

As confident as I am that we are passed all of those scary breathing issues - I just can't bring myself to not keep a set of emergency supplies.

We'll probably always have an oxygen tank and tubing. And that is ok.

Gage Christopher

I'm happy to report that last Monday afternoon, July 9th at 1:49 p.m., I gave birth to our newest family addition.  Gage Christopher was born weighing 6 pounds, 10 ounces at 18 3/4" long.

It was a truly "normal" birth experience and a short 26 hours later we brought baby Gage home with us.  We're still reeling from the changes, struggling with the usual sleep and breastfeeding issues and trying to accept this blessing as a reality.

It all seems very surreal.  And I don't think that is just the sleep deprivation talking.

The above photo is of Gage one week old.  Here are a couple more to help you get to know our new little guy:

Me & Bryce - I was already in labor when this picture was taken early Monday morning.

Bryce meeting his new little brother for the first time.

Bryce & Gage

Baby Gage already "holding" his paci

Unfortunately, I made it one day shy of full term so I'm officially a repeat offender (multiple preemie babies).  But that's okay because we got 6+ pounds of healthy baby boy to show for it.

Thanks to everyone for all of your love, support and prayers throughout my 36 weeks of pregnancy.  I couldn't have done it without you guys!!

What's Been Going On

Where to start? It's been awhile since I've logged in to post an update, I know, I know. Life is hectic and only about to get even more so. Which honestly doesn't even feel possible most of the time.

Since I was last here I've continued to be pregnant! As a matter of fact, I'm 35 weeks today. Which is a huge milestone and relief for me. It means that the chances of the baby having to ever enter a NICU are greatly diminished. It also means that sooner rather than later, this baby is going to have to make an exit and I can't say I'm all to excited about that endeavor. At least the prize at the end is a good one.

I'll be starting back to weekly OB visits this week, in addition to my last two weekly nurse visits for my 17-P progesterone shots. And in addition to Bryce's 4+ hours of weekly therapy. And in addition to trying to take it easy, working as much as I can while I can and trying to get ready for another person to inhabit our home.

It feels like a mountain climb where I keep pushing and pushing but can't see much progress. It also feels like the lower half of my body belongs to someone else. My legs and hips ache constantly, sleeping is a long, lost memory and at least every other day ends with me shaking my head in shameful disbelief at the state of ridiculous fluid retention in my left foot.

But I'm not complaining.

Okay, I am and for that I sincerely apologize. As a preemie mom who never got the chance to experience these latter pregnancy woes with Bryce, I used to hate to hear women complain about being pregnant. I would wonder, aloud sometimes even, don't they know how much better being pregnant at this point is than the alternative. It's a slippery slope, y'all and I seem to be tumbling down faster than I care to acknowledge.

In Bryce news, things are moving along swimmingly. He has officially qualified for the full ELE program with Leander ISD. His ARD (admission, review and dismissal - for the program) went better than I could ever have hoped.

Although it's against my nature, I confirmed that sometimes you just have to keep asking. Ask again and again, ask in this way and that, maybe ask with a smile and then with a frown. Just don't stop asking until they get so tired of you asking that they bend over backwards to give you what you're asking for. Of course, having a very sweet, supremely cute and legitimately in-need little boy backing you up doesn't hurt.

What I'm saying is, they agreed to offer Bryce speech therapy through the ESY (extended school year - oh the acronyms!) program. This is pretty much unprecedented for a child who is not officially enrolled in the program before the end of the school year. And I do feel triumphant, I do. BUT, this speech therapy is also kind of a joke. It's 30 minutes per week for six out of seven of the summer weeks. They claim it's only a maintenance schedule meant to prevent regression and I say it's better than nothing. And not much different than the max services they offered to provide as part of the ELE program in the fall. Though at least there he also has the opportunity to learn from the other students and the added benefit of a degree holding, experienced, caring teacher who apparently has a great talent in working therapy into every part of their day's routine. Still, Bryce will continue outside therapy as much as is possible.

So, I think that about catches us up. On the horizon, the cerclage will be coming out soon. Maybe this Thursday but probably next Friday. I'm not much looking forward to that. It'll be an in-office procedure done by my OB and apparently there is a good chance I'll go into labor shortly thereafter. The doctor said that sometimes the procedure breaks your water and sometimes the cerclage is the only thing holding things together - figuratively and literally.

So I'm freaking out, trying to go around controlling things I can to make up for having no control over the things I yearn most to have control over. Being a control freak is a lot of work, people - I do not recommend it as a lifestyle choice. C'est la vie.

In an attempt to make up for some of my missed posts here are some pictures from the last month or so:

Here I am about a week ago - 34 weeks very pregnant. 

Here's Bryce hanging out at home a few weeks ago - he's a happy boy!

We took Bryce to the new Play for All Abilities Park in Round Rock and are so grateful to have this place near home.

Bryce was in the musical horses event at his hippo therapy RED Arena riding center RODEO some weeks ago.  He was the first out but the most handsome rider there.

Bryce turned 3!  My baby is now 3 and the party was a great success.  I was worried how much I could pull off being so pregnant and under restrictions but I think it turned out fabulously.  And even more importantly, I think Bryce had a great time.  He seemed to finally get that we were singing to him this year and it was the sweetest thing. 

My mom, step mom and cousin threw me a R.E.A.L. {surprise} baby shower a couple of weekends ago!  Here we all are after the party - it was a great afternoon!