For the most part, I try to save my freak outs for the privacy of our home and the likes of my poor husband. But today is just not one of those days.
I just left the new OB, whom I had to pick randomly from a list of 12 on Scott & White's website. She was nice enough - but she said that SW won't pay for my perinatologist to do the cerclage because she can. She's done 2 before so she'll admittedly be nervous but I shouldn't worry too much. Ha.
She did another ultrasound and said that my cervix is definitely shortening already so we need to get this done ASAP but it doesn't have to be today. She also had to tell me that putting holes in my cervix means there is a chance that my water could break and we could lose the baby.
She said a lot of other stuff - like we'll do the surgery at St. David's in Georgetown, I'll be awake but numb from the waist down and draped like a c-section so I can't see anything, and I should expect to be able to leave a couple of hours after. Mostly I heard the sounds of the Peanut's teachers, "wah wha wha...."
I've been trying to get back to finish the post, I know a lot of you are wondering what is going on but I've also been trying to wrap my head around everything.
I think I'm mostly there now though still freaking out about the fact that my cervix is shortening already, at only 14 weeks, about the risks with the cerclage and the chances of getting somewhere near full term with this baby.
Not to mention, worried at the news from the OB that if I go into labor before 36 weeks and they can't stop the delivery that I'll have the baby at the Round Rock facility - NO NICU THERE - and they'll transfer the baby to TEMPLE. But if they can stop the labor then they'll transfer us both to Temple. I'm not sure which of those outcomes scares me more - having yet another baby sent to a NICU I've never seen without me or leaving Caleb and Bryce at home while I go to Temple by myself.
I have to just stop there because I'll get my anxiety levels all out of control if I let myself go down that road even a couple of steps.
It's funny though, not exactly ha ha funny but odd to think, at 14 weeks with Bryce we were talking names, planning his nursery and looking forward to finding out if he was a he or a she.
We were blissfully naive.
But I can't help but wonder if I'm already showing signs, maybe I was with him too. Maybe if we'd gone to a traditional OB instead of a birthing center they would have done more ultrasounds and caught the changes in my cervix. Maybe we could have prevented his preterm birth and therefore all of the challenges he faces on a daily basis would be nonexistent. Maybe.
Please don't bother commenting about how I shouldn't go there, about how questioning the past and blaming myself are neither going to change anything nor help my own mental state. I know this. But I also know that if you were me, you'd do the same thing. I know.
All questioning and blaming aside, I'm resolving to focus on resting, getting over this sinus infection before surgery day and distracting myself to the utmost until pre-op on Tuesday afternoon.
Wish me luck, ya'll - I'm gonna need it.