What a Week...

My sincere apologies for my lack of posting. As I was telling a dear friend at Bryce's party on Saturday, I sometimes feel like my blog has to follow the Thumper's Mom Philosophy...you know, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

I took Bambi seriously as a child and I guess it just stuck. I don't want to be negative and I don't want to be a downer, so when you see a lack of posts here at the blog it's likely a good sign that I'm trying to find a way to deal with something.

When Bryce was first born everything about our life was up side down, in side out and complete turmoil. These days are quite the opposite. We've settled into a routine, we rarely find that we have a medical emergency or new health issue to understand.

For the vast majority of the time, life is down right good.

But I do have my down moments.

I just prefer to bottle them up. And now that we're not in the midst of survival mode I'm able to do so much more effectively.

But my friend suggested that I be more honest - more like I was before. And since I respect and value her opinion I'm going to do my best to do just that.

Bryce's second birthday was just a week ago tomorrow but I've felt it coming on like a flu. You get a little sleepy, a little achy, a little less motivated and a little grumpy. No matter how hard you try to ignore the symptoms it always boils over into a mess of a day where you get nothing done but rest and try to let your body recover.

I HATE to equate Bryce's birthday with the flu. But let's face it, that was the best and worst day of my life. And I know that for most of our friends and family it's hard to understand how something that happened two years ago could possibly still be an open wound. But I'm here to say, honestly, that it absolutely is.

The saving grace is my precious baby Bryce - who soon I won't be able to call that anymore so I'm getting it all in while I can.

I had an email conversation with another mom last week who has two preemies. Her first is turning 11 this year and she said that she only now is able to fully embrace the celebration of his birthday without the bittersweet emotions.

It was so nice to hear from someone who got it. It's hard to find another human being who really understands these feelings. So what do you do with them? Well, I bottle 'em up, shove 'em down and keep on moving. I even went to the NICU last Monday night to do my weekly parent to parent volunteering. Wow, probably not a good idea.

I stood at the scrub sink almost exactly two years to the day from the first time I stood there and scrubbed in. The memory of the terrifying thought of walking in to see Bryce in the NICU for the first time is un-repressable. I remember so well that feeling of not knowing where I was, how I got there, what would become of my son, my life, my future. We were so sure he couldn't survive that I was in a constant state of trying to figure out how I would deal with losing my baby.

How would I go on? How would I ever find a way to be happy? How would Caleb and I get through such a trauma?

Well, he did survive - oh boy, did he! But our body remembers, the mind remembers. If you spend weeks and months preparing for a loss it doesn't just go away. It lurks in your subconscious, ever-ready to surface if necessary. It haunts your thoughts and tugs at your soul.

So there it is, there is the awful truth. As I celebrate the birth of my son I'm still working through the trauma of that birth. As we surround ourselves with friends, family, sweets and smiles - inside I'm fighting tears, I'm wondering when the next bad thing might happen, I'm fighting to stay above water until it's all a memory.

That's my coping method and while it might not be doctor recommended it's getting me through. I've been off the Zoloft for the better part of a year - the emotions may be raw and they may make me feel vulnerable but I'm feeling them, I'm dealing with them and I know eventually I'll be whole again. At least mostly.

So, I'm sorry there was no big happy 2nd birthday post. I just couldn't muster it. But I promise to post the video of Bryce eating his first brownie sundae on his birthday later today or maybe tomorrow.

And I thank my friend for suggesting openly that I get over my need to please and just be be honest. I hope it's okay with the rest of my readers as well.

Thank you all for your love, support and fellowship.

To Be or Not To Be

I was just thinking the other morning that we are so blessed to have so many wonderful people and organizations to turn to for help and support. Bryce's preterm birth was catastrophic, it was at once the single best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. It tore my heart into tiny pieces and nearly two year later I'm still struggling to mend it back together.

But let's face it, I'm no spring chicken and if there were another baby in our future it sure seems like that better be the not so distant future.

This is a topic that weighs heavily on my mind. On any given day that you ask me if we plan to have another child (and seems that I am asked almost daily) I might give you a different answer.

The truth is that I don't know. And furthermore, I don't know what the right answer is.

I am an only child. It's got its perks, to be sure. But I'll never know what it's like between siblings, that person who's known you your entire life, seen you at your worst (i.e. braces, junior high, bad hair) and your best (mother hoood). The one person who you don't mind calling at 3 a.m. when your freaking out over this, that or the other. I see it with my friends and their siblings. I see the struggles and the tension as well, but it's the unbreakable bond I envy most. It's that bond that I can't quite understand that I want for Bryce.

I want to be able to give Bryce a partner in life. A partner who looks out for him, pushes him to be his best, a partner in crime and family for after we're gone.

It's funny, because just as I'm searching endlessly for answers to this burning question I come across the Hand to Hold newsletter in which the article, "Pregnancy After Preterm Birth or Loss" is conveniently placed.

It's a lot of information I already had but it's also some new insight. And all in one neat little package that I can really sink my teeth into. Thank you Hand to Hold, for continuing to surprise me with your support and resources.

Of course, the decision involves many more factors than any article could possibly address. It's a very personal decision in the best of situations. It's a decision in which a black and white right or wrong can never be.

And then there's the financial aspect. Individual health insurance policies, like ours, are ridiculously expensive. But the only option for those of us who don't work for corporate entities with the large numbers of employees necessary to offer a group plan. You'd think for the steep premium they'd offer maternity benefits but oh no, pregnancy is, after all, a "desired" state.

With a pregnancy history like mine (going from lowest of low risk to highest of high - literally over night) there is simply no way we could ever afford to pay out of pocket to have a second baby. There would be a likely cervical cerclage to begin with, followed by steroid dosing before we were even clear to begin trying, then cervical monitoring every couple of weeks from the beginning, progesterone supplementation after only 16 weeks, and well, the list goes on and on.

What will be will be. But it sure helps to vent to the world about it. And it doesn't hurt to remember how lucky we are to have our little miracle with us today. The first time I saw Bryce I could only think that he wouldn't make it, that there was no way he could survive the turmoil of his birth.

But look at him now!

New Year, New Bryce

With 2010 soundly behind us I now have the ability to look back at a full year of having Bryce home with us. We were busy, busy, busy trying to help him be all that he can be (to knock off the army).

We had 52 straight weeks of physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, dietician counseling, doctor visits and specialist check ups. We also had some real moments of panic and some very real moments of awe. We learned that just because there is a tried and true way to teach a CP preemie how to do new things there also may be an equally effective alternative. We've spend a lot of time pushing, pushing, pushing only to be left frustrated and defeated. But then a week later see the fruits of our labor come into a full bloom.

And so, as this new year begins we begin anew with our efforts to afford Bryce every opportunity we possibly can to be the best Bryce he can be. We have the support of our tireless family, some wonderful organizations (Hand to Hold, March of Dimes, Graham's Foundation) and the best therapists we could possibly ask for to help us navigate this winding road.

What on the itinerary for 2011, you ask? Well, crawling. And sitting. And words. And eventually, hopefully walking.

In 2010 we witnessed Bryce progress from essentially being a newborn on oxygen with serious feeding issues, who just so happened to actually be 6 months old, to being developmentally a 6 month old who rolls, babbles, mimics and loves to make you laugh. It's not as much change as a "normally developing" baby would make in a year but it's truly remarkable for Bryce.

Unfortunately, for Bryce we now know how much he is capable of. And so our immediate goal is to put almost, kind of sitting and rolling as a means of transportation behind us to focus on a Bryce who sits at will for extended periods of time and uses crawling as his means of getting where he wants when he wants.

And we're off to a great start already. My dad and I are working on an "anti-rolling device" that will make rolling impossible for Bryce while on the floor. He mostly hates it but as you can see from the videos from yesterday with the prototype, he's taking "baby steps" already.

Just One Good Push



Progress

We thank you all for continuing to stick by us as 2010 flew by and 2011 begins. May you all have a wonderful, productive and rewarding new year!