BOTW: 12 weeks, 4 days

Went back to the perinatologist this morning to finish up the nuchal translucency screen. She said everything looks good right now, with an extra emphasis on the "right now."

I'll take that.

Now we're just counting down the days until our effective date with Scott & White so we can start the appeal process to get preauthorization for the cerclage. Once that's in place, God willing, we'll schedule the procedure and likely get in immediately there after. Dr. DeStefano said they'll schedule it like an emergency so we should be able to get in within 24 hours.

And so the nervous waiting continues...

Finally...

I know I promised an update a week ago today, there's just been a lot to think about. I guess I wasn't (and still am not) sure how to write this post.

Things with Bryce have - I'm just gonna say it - always been a struggle. I guess I'm accustomed to that. But lately we seem to have hit some sort of tipping point where it feels like everything is just slowly and surely slipping out of my grasp. He seems to be getting older faster than is possible and I still don't feel good about my decision to continue to push with all of the therapy ECI will provide until he turns 3 and then essentially give him the summer off. I may be coming to terms with it but I don't have to be happy about or give up on other options.

Which is why I've been working myself crazy looking into other programs that might fill this gap. I've almost finished the lengthy process for the Children with Special Health Care Needs program application but am still waiting on one last document from the state to arrive before I can mail it off. The hard part is that I know it's a long shot, I know there is a waiting list and we have to reapply every 6 months or he gets booted to the back. But I'm desperate and my next resort will be weekly bake sales or something. Hmmm, I wonder if that would work?

In more positive news, Bryce had his hearing screen at Dell this morning and though he was awfully hard to read the audiologist felt confident that his hearing isn't what is holding his language back. Consider that box checked.

And after my dad turned me on to this new study finding that babies learn a great deal about how to talk from watching your mouth move, I made an appointment with a low vision specialist for a few weeks from now. I'm hoping that maybe she can give me a better idea of what he sees, what he doesn't and how to help. Bryce's vision instructor does this to a degree but she had mentioned some time ago that this report would help her help him better as well. So I'll consider that box unchecked but in progress.

And finally, on to Baby on the Way (BOTW). Today marks the half way point with BOTW to where I was the day Bryce was born. It's hard not to have anxiety about that. I'm just a hopin' and a prayin' that I'm closer to about a third of the way with this one.

I go back to the perinatologist (Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor) on Tuesday to finish up the nuchal translucency screening. BOTW wasn't quite big enough last week but supposedly doubled in size this week so should be plenty big enough by Tuesday. We'll also be scheduling a cerclage that day.

I can't say I'm excited about the cerclage. At first it looked like a given, then my OB didn't seem too concerned but the peri. is adamant that it be done by 14 weeks. Oy vey.

In case you're not up to speed - and for your sake I sincerely hope you aren't - a cerclage is an in-hospital day procedure where they put a stitch in your cervix to help prevent preterm labor. It's mostly used in cases of incompetent cervix (I deplore that term but don't have another and anyway that's fodder for a whole other post some day). It carries some intrinsic risks since it is an invasive procedure. But this doctor has a lot of experience doing them and as long as the procedure goes well it will reduce my risk of preterm labor significantly. The cerclage is supposed to be removed before labor begins and from what I understand, if it isn't not only will it hurt like hell but it'll mean a c-section. Just another thing to freak out about as far as I'm concerned, but I digress.

So in addition to the cerclage at 14 weeks Caleb will have to begin giving me the 17P (17 alpha-hydroxyprogesterone caproate) shots - in the rear, weekly for the remainder of the pregnancy - which will further reduce my risk.

And they'll check my cervix like a teenager checks Facebook. If something pops up it will be taken seriously and acted on accordingly.

Hopefully, all of these measures, coupled with my own unfortunate first hand knowledge of preterm labor, will keep us safely in the clear to at least 32 or so weeks. Which would be not ideal but so, so, so, so, so much better than 24!

And so that pretty much brings us up to date. Minus all of the boring details about how we don't currently have any actual maternity coverage and how paying the premium on the plan that will *hopefully* provide it beginning in Feb. is going to make us bankrupt, anyway.

My plan for now is to just going to keep on keepin' on. Because whatever has been thrown at us to this point we've somehow managed. If we have to live in a box but can provide what these babies need then so be it.


xoxo,

To Be or Not To Be

I was just thinking the other morning that we are so blessed to have so many wonderful people and organizations to turn to for help and support. Bryce's preterm birth was catastrophic, it was at once the single best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. It tore my heart into tiny pieces and nearly two year later I'm still struggling to mend it back together.

But let's face it, I'm no spring chicken and if there were another baby in our future it sure seems like that better be the not so distant future.

This is a topic that weighs heavily on my mind. On any given day that you ask me if we plan to have another child (and seems that I am asked almost daily) I might give you a different answer.

The truth is that I don't know. And furthermore, I don't know what the right answer is.

I am an only child. It's got its perks, to be sure. But I'll never know what it's like between siblings, that person who's known you your entire life, seen you at your worst (i.e. braces, junior high, bad hair) and your best (mother hoood). The one person who you don't mind calling at 3 a.m. when your freaking out over this, that or the other. I see it with my friends and their siblings. I see the struggles and the tension as well, but it's the unbreakable bond I envy most. It's that bond that I can't quite understand that I want for Bryce.

I want to be able to give Bryce a partner in life. A partner who looks out for him, pushes him to be his best, a partner in crime and family for after we're gone.

It's funny, because just as I'm searching endlessly for answers to this burning question I come across the Hand to Hold newsletter in which the article, "Pregnancy After Preterm Birth or Loss" is conveniently placed.

It's a lot of information I already had but it's also some new insight. And all in one neat little package that I can really sink my teeth into. Thank you Hand to Hold, for continuing to surprise me with your support and resources.

Of course, the decision involves many more factors than any article could possibly address. It's a very personal decision in the best of situations. It's a decision in which a black and white right or wrong can never be.

And then there's the financial aspect. Individual health insurance policies, like ours, are ridiculously expensive. But the only option for those of us who don't work for corporate entities with the large numbers of employees necessary to offer a group plan. You'd think for the steep premium they'd offer maternity benefits but oh no, pregnancy is, after all, a "desired" state.

With a pregnancy history like mine (going from lowest of low risk to highest of high - literally over night) there is simply no way we could ever afford to pay out of pocket to have a second baby. There would be a likely cervical cerclage to begin with, followed by steroid dosing before we were even clear to begin trying, then cervical monitoring every couple of weeks from the beginning, progesterone supplementation after only 16 weeks, and well, the list goes on and on.

What will be will be. But it sure helps to vent to the world about it. And it doesn't hurt to remember how lucky we are to have our little miracle with us today. The first time I saw Bryce I could only think that he wouldn't make it, that there was no way he could survive the turmoil of his birth.

But look at him now!