House Arrest

It's been a week today since my cerclage surgery and I'm finally feeling pretty normal. I was instructed to try to do nothing for at least a week, which seemed like a prescribed vacation the first day but by day three began feeling like cruel and unusual punishment.

Fortunately, we got me mostly set up to work remotely so it's not just sleeping, reading and catching up on this season's House episodes on Hulu anymore.  It's all too reminiscent of rearranging our lives while living in the Ronald McDonald house and Dell's NICU after Bryce was born.

The worst of it, by a landslide, though has been not being able to pick up Bryce.  I was told that I should avoid it completely for two weeks and as much as possible for the remainder of the pregnancy. 

Do you know how you show a 2 1/2 year old who doesn't walk or talk that you love them?  You PICK HIM UP!  He is so used to crawling up to me wherever we are, reaching up and having me pick him up or help him get to where he wants to go that his world is undoubtedly a little upside down as well all of a sudden.  And it's not like I could prepare him for this in any way, even if some one of the nine million doctors I've seen had bothered to mention this little bit of information beforehand. 

The look in his sweet little confused face when he's trying his hardest to claw his way into my lap and and I'm not helping him up is enough to send a mother over the edge.  Granted I may be overly emotional and sensitive from the hormones, anxiety and week of house arrest but dammit it feels real to me!

I may wallow in a shallow pool of self pity but don't doubt for a second that I know just how blessed we are.  To have family around that is willing and able to help, whether with nourishment, child care  or dishes, has gotten us through these seven days mostly unscathed. 

It's hard for me to see everyone else taking care of my baby while I sit back and watch - so hard.  But what would we do if we didn't have them here to do so???!!!  I shudder to think.

Speaking of shuddering at the thought, we did have an ER visit on Thursday evening.  The verdict is that a clot from the surgery broke loose and caused the sudden onslaught of bleeding and cramping.  I was hanging in there with it for a bit but when I started to have what felt like contractions (exactly like the night Bryce was born - and I thought I might not remember, ha) 10 minutes apart we decided we'd rather waste an ER trip than risk it.  I have this overwhelming need to remove any possibility of self doubt or guilt from the pregnancy. 

And this is harder than you might think.  A million times a day I think about doing something, picking up a basket full of laundry or giving in to Bryce just this one time, and I have to check myself against this impossibly high bar I've set.

You see, the guilt of not getting to a hospital the night Bryce was born consumed me for the first year of his too hard life.  It's impossible not to wonder how different he and his battles might have been had I been overly cautious and gone to the ER.  Maybe they could have stopped the labor or at least he would have been born in a place where they knew how to care for him. 

I've since learned many a coping skill and manage to live my daily life without much thought on the subject.  But this pregnancy, especially this last week, has brought all of that flooding back in.  I should have just taken some home baked treats to that ER staff at Scott & White Round Rock because there is a good chance they'll be getting to know me.  I simply refuse to increase the chance, even in the slightest, that I'll have any regrets with BOTW.  Once is more than enough for a lifetime, thank you.

On the up side, we had another ultrasound in the ER to make sure BOTW was doing well and boy oh boy was he!  {By the way, I say "he" hoping that there is some chance fate might like to prove me and that boy part seeing doctor wrong} BOTW was somersaulting all around, making it incredibly difficult for them to get a good heart rate read.  We finally got one and several pictures that actually look like baby - very exciting!

I haven't had any more unusual pain or cramping since and am generally relieved that we went, even if it is already getting incredibly old showing my hoo ha to yet another stranger.  I could quite possibly be working on a Guiness record at this point.  Maybe I should be keeping track?
 
 

What a day, What a day

Well, really the only positive thing I have to say about yesterday is I'm so glad it is over. Nothing seemed to go even remotely as expected. We arrived at 9 a.m. as instructed and were shortly thereafter informed that they would not be working me in between c-sections and that we could leave for an hour and come back.  So we washed the car and Caleb got breakfast - don't worry though because he had McDonald's, since I would never eat McDonald's breakfast anyway.

After we got back we waited for a couple of hours in the waiting room before finally getting put in a room.  I think they only did that because they felt sorry for us, which was fine with us at that point.

The room was nice and very comfortable.  They started an IV but let me keep my clothes on, Caleb got a whole couch to himself and I got the bed and remote.  We hung out like that for several more hours and I discovered that after about 12 hours without eating even a pregnant lady will eventually give up on food.

Finally in the early afternoon they had me change into a gown so they could run fluids, worried that I was getting dehydrated. After they dumped a liter of fluids in me I started to feel better and shortly after they started sending in doctors for this, that and the other. 

Caleb finally got to see Baby on the Way in action, which made his day.  And around 3 p.m., 6 hours after our initial arrival, they wheeled me back to the OR.

There they put me on the table and the anesthesiologist went to work with a shot in the spine of Lidocain to help with the extreme discomfort of the spinal.  The first spinal was half blocked and exploded all over my back so they did it again.  I've never felt the blood drain from my face so quickly and if the nurse hadn't been holding me I'm sure I would have fallen off that table.  They said I handled it well but they must just say that to everyone who survives.

I was immediately laid down and the numbness began rapidly spreading from my toes upward.  It's the oddest feeling to feel all numb, tingly and heavy.  My instinct was to try to move my feet to wake up my legs but when I couldn't my anxiety level went through the roof so I just focused on ignoring that instinct. 

After 10 minutes of positioning they finally had my legs hanging up in the holsters where they wanted them.  This was one of the worst parts of the whole thing.  I felt like I could feel me heavy legs lying on the table but I could see them hanging above me and being moved around.  Talk about trippy!!

Then the procedure started right in the middle of shift change so all of the anesthisiologists left and switched with some new lady who would occasionally hover over my face but spend a lot of time chatting on her cell phone.  I was overcome with nausea the whole time, despite they IV anti-nausea medication they were running and every bone in my body was freaking out but I was trying to focus on the light on the ceiling and my breathing. 

I could hear everything going on so when they were having trouble getting "the sharpest needle they have" through my cervix that was concerning.  But when I started bleeding "a lot" and they couldn't figure out where it was coming from, I was pretty much ready to say never mind to the whole thing.  They found that the clamps they put on my cervix to hold it down so they could reach it to do the stitching were causing the bleeding and they were able to control it with some sort of cauterization goo.  After what seemed like forever of hearing them debate how far up on my cervix was safe to stitch they finally announced that they were done.

The doctor said that when they started my cervix was patent, she could get a finger easily inside but that after they were done there was less than a centimeter of play.  I heard her say to the other doctor, "that should give her the best chance of making this pregnancy work."  It was a hard thing to hear the doubt and wonder in her voice.  I had reassured myself all along that this was going to do it but the truth is that if I go into labor the cerclage won't stop it. 

I still think it's worth a try though and despite what an awful ordeal it ended up being I would probably do it again.

Since there was more bleeding than expected they gave me some antibiotics and had to test my blood to see if it was RH negative because there is a chance my body could attack the baby if we have different blood types.  Of course, they couldn't just take my word for it, knowing that I'd been tested when I was pregnant with Bryce and had the Rogam shot the night he was born.  After 5 or 6 sticks by 3 different people they finally got the blood they needed to confirm what I already knew and gave me the shot.  By this time, 3 hours post-op, the effects of the spinal had mostly worn off and the pain was quickly becoming overwhelming.  They gave me what they could and finally let us leave at around 8 p.m. - 11 hours after we'd arrived. 

We got home just after 9 p.m. last night and I've been surprised by how much more painful it is than I anticipated.  It feels like a combination of really bad cramps and my insides being ripped apart.  I'm trying to take as little Vicodin as possible for fear of the effects on the baby so bear with me if I'm not as chipper as I'd like.

One up side to yesterday was our nurse, she was amazing.  She got me literally 10 warm blankets after the surgery because after being uncovered for an hour in the freezing OR I was shivering and cold to my core.  Poor Caleb had the thermostat set to 78 degrees at one point.

And fortunately we've had lots of help from my parents including my dad taking Bryce to his eye doctor appointment early this morning and my mom babysitting both Bryce and I this afternoon.  I don't even want to think about what we would do without their constant and much appreciated help.  {Thank you guys, we love and appreciate you more than you know!!}

So now I'm just trying to take it easy and recover because life goes on and things need to be done.  I'll go back to Temple weekly for the Progesterone therapy starting next week and for a few weeks until I can get in with the OB here in Round Rock.  That should be a breeze compared to the cerclage!

Thanks to everyone who checked in with us, via Facebook, text message, blog comments, etc. yesterday.  It kept our spirits up and made the day go by quicker - you guys are the bestest! 


 

Cerclage Tomorrow & Other Exciting News

Well, tomorrow is the big day finally.  I went to Temple to see a perinatologist at the Scott & White hospital on Friday.  And despite the fact that the original part of the hospital I visited is right out of the Twilight Zone and full of Wal-Mart people, it was a good visit.

The peri. I saw was extensively experienced in high risk pregnancies, very forthcoming and not bad on the eyes in disagreement with anything the previous peri. here in Austin had told me.

He did an ultrasound to check my cervical length and found it to be measuring much larger than the last two, more than 3 cm where as neither of the last were over 2.5 cm.  This news pretty much immediately took a lot of stress and anxiety away. 

He also gave me some numbers I'll be hanging onto pretty tightly: cerclages have been shown to reduce the risk of preterm labor by about a third, additionally progesterone therapy (the weekly shots I start next week) have been shown to have the same reduction in risk.  I verified that that meant a total of 2/3 risk reduction with both treatments.  It's not a guarantee, or even really good odds, but it's better than half and better than I expected.  It's also much better than Bryce's odds of surviving were when he was born and look at him now!  So, I'll gladly take 2/3!

I also asked him during the ultrasound if he had any guesses on the baby's sex.  He was fairly certain it looks like a boy though 15 weeks is pretty early to tell.  Here is the picture he gave me for Caleb, I'll let you try to figure it out and judge for yourself:

Caleb and I were both kind of hoping for a girl, since we already have a boy, but if two parents ever just wanted a healthy baby it's these two.

The earliest they could get me on the surgery schedule is tomorrow and the peri. I saw Friday won't be on but he said that the lady peri. who will do the surgery is very good and has LOTS of experience. Yay!

She also has a full morning of c-sections already scheduled so we have to arrive (in Temple) by 9 a.m. and I can't eat after midnight but it may be afternoon before they are able to work me into her surgical schedule.  I'm pretty excited that Caleb's new boss is letting him come with me, he hasn't had a chance to see or hear the baby at all yet and will probably get to tomorrow.  Happy Valentine's Day to us!

And before I leave you all with that bit of good news all around I have just one more exciting bit to share.  Bryce has been practicing walking with his posterior walker for a while now and seems to be really getting it!  His PT (physical therapist) is nearly as excited as I am, which is to say very, very, very!!!

Here is a short video we took on Saturday while practicing.  He made it from the back door to the front door, around through the kitchen and back to the living room on Friday for his PT and my dad.  Today he did the same but with a loop around the dining table - baby steps, baby!

It's funny, I was reviewing my YouTube upload history and realized that a year ago we were trying to get Bryce to stop rolling and start crawling, 7 months ago he started pulling up and today he's starting to walk.  His progress in the last year really astounds me.  We've worked hard for a long time to get here and I couldn't be a prouder momma!!

I'll try to update after we get home tomorrow to let everyone know how to surgery went and what's next on the agenda.  Until then, thanks as always for checking in on our little family!

Play Date Fun

I was perusing some friend's blogs whilst trying my best to take it easy yesterday when I ran across a picture of Bryce! What a nice surprise that was.

I feel like poor Bryce hasn't been the main subject here at Bryce Moline lately - which is a bit of a misnomer. Not to mention, I felt that the blog generally needed a bit of a lightening up.

So I figured why not follow Mackenzie's lead.  My friend, fellow special needs mom and head honcho over at pforpeanuts has the cutest blog and even cuter twins: Ellisa and Hudson, who happen to have equally adorable names.

Anywhose...I've been trying to get Bryce around some more little ones whenever I can. He is quickly outgrowing the babies in the infant room at his day care and it's just good for us both.

Especially when we can spend some time with a couple of mommas who get the special needs mom thing. You knew it was "a thing", didn't ya?  Only kidding of course, I just mean that there is an instant understanding with other moms who get it.  "It" being the all at once absolute joy and overwhelming reality of caring for a special needs kiddo.

But we, and by we I mean I, have been grossly unsuccesful in this endeavor. Bryce's therapy and doctor schedule coupled with work and daily chores makes fitting anything into our schedule a challenge. But then trying to coordinate our hectic schedule with one or more other hectic schedules means our play dates are sporadic at best.

I am working on it though and looking forward to a lighter load in the summer. Which in Texas we know is always looming ever so hotly right over the horizon...but I digress.

We were able to host a play date at our house a while back and Mackenzie was saavy enough to snap a picture (thanks, Kenzie!) when I wasn't. And what a treat when weeks later, after having almost completely forgotten about it, I happen upon her post Peanuts Play Dates and Bryce's face!

Just a little nudge from the powers that be to keep trying to make those play dates work - for us both.

No Surgery Today

Thank you to everyone who reached out to me over the last few days with words of encouragement, support and love. You can't possibly know how much that means to me.

And for those who don't know already, I'm sorry for the late update but I am not having my cerclage placed this morning.

A nurse practitioner, but more importantly, dear friend of ours, called me Monday morning and gave me some insight into the risks of having the cerclage placed by an inexperienced OB. I, unfortunately, had no clue that there was a likelihood that the cerclage could be ineffective if placed improperly. I had been led to believe by the OB I saw last week that a cerclage is a cerclage and as long as no complications occurred during the surgery it would be all that it could be. Kind of like the Army.

But my friend has some personal experience with ineffective cerclages placed in a friend's cervix, resulting in the tragic loss of one baby in the second trimester and, bless her heart, even another in the third. As you can imagine, that little bit of information just put me over the edge.

I called Caleb immediately and explained my conversation with our friend. He was quick to say he was happy I was going to seek alternatives because he had a "bad feeling" about the other OB. Poor guy knows how stressed out I am and probably weighed the added stress of insisting I find another option against his bad feeling and decided it better to keep quiet. Sorry, hon.

So the search for an alternative began. And it was a full day of phone calls on Monday that finally resulted in my appointment yesterday morning with the intake nurse at Scott & White's Round Rock clinic. I wasn't expecting much from them, considering my other experience with S/W so far, and was really concerned about further delaying the procedure that was already 5 days and counting behind the "ideal placement for optimum effectiveness" as per the perinatologist I'd seen at North Austin Maternal Fetal Medicine. But I felt I had little other option and hadn't actually canceled my procedure or pre-op yet.

The nurse blew me away. Maybe it was because I told her Bryce's birth story and then showed her two pictures of him - one of the night he was born and one of him eating a push pop last week with the sweetest grin he could possibly muster for a mother constantly taking pictures of him. Who could resist this sweet face?

And remember this?  {Seems like just yesterday and a million years ago all at once.}

She immediately left the office and asked every nurse and OB available in the office what the best thing to do was. She genuinely cared and clearly understood my concern for the situation. I know that there are distinct limitations to what people can do, especially when it comes to doctors and specialists and surgery scheduling. But I just wanted someone to try and she did. Thank you, Laurie!

And so did the OB's in the office - they told her they wouldn't touch my cervix with ... I don't know, something you don't touch a cervix with....until that cerclage was safely placed by a perinatologist. I knew they didn't have one here and I had come to terms with the fact that I would likely be driving to Temple. But the peri. they suggested is, of course, on vacation this entire week. Laurie promised me she would call his nurse, send my records and plead my case first thing this morning when she was scheduled to be back, in an effort to get me on his surgery schedule Monday.

And so I left the office equally uneasy and relieved. And not one hour later Laurie called to say that she found another peri. office at the S/W clinic in Temple who could get me in on Friday. So to Temple I go on Friday.

I'm still waiting to hear back if I need to have someone drive me Friday because we could be in surgery or if I can go alone. Since my appointment isn't until 1:20 p.m. I'm assuming the latter but my gut feeling about this whole waiting game is getting increasingly bad.

That could be a result of my intense mom desire to do everything possible for this baby, to make no mistake and have no regrets. Or it could be that same sixth sense that regularly woke me in the night the weeks and months after Bryce was born and was fighting so hard to survive.

I've been trying with all my might to stop weighing pros and cons, stop second guessing my decision to cancel the cerclage today and stop wondering how I'll deal with it if it turns out that waiting was the wrong decision. I went to work yesterday after the appointment, I got up early and cleaned the kitchen today, I am going to tackle laundry and meet Bryce's new occupational therapist and do my best to distract my whirling mind from the omnipresent questioning that is plaguing it.