Monday, August 24

Musings on Reason

So tomorrow is the day, the day Bryce gets his VP shunt. As I've said at least once before, we are so happy that this is potentially our last pilgrimage down to the OR. But I'm so nervous about a bigger, more invasive surgery for poor baby Bryce.

It's hard not to ask why. Why does this sweet little baby, so innocent and fragile, have to endure these hardships? Why do I have to stand there, frozen in fear, as the team of nurses and doctors wheel him into his sixth surgery in not even twice that many weeks of life?

But I suppose, no I know, that we all have pleadings of why in our lives. Sure some are more profound, some more enduring and many less obvious but just as valid.

So I pick up my head, pull back my shoulders and smack a smile on my face whenever possible. I focus on the positive. And there is so much.

The joy of holding my son before he was even supposed to be in this world. The pride of watching my husband ask intelligent, incredibly detailed questions of the doctors that I simply would never think of. The wonder of already knowing the many quirks and personality traits of a person so small and so early in his life.

Really, aren't I, in many ways, quite lucky?

I have a miracle to stare at each and every day, a miracle of my very own. Well, I guess I have to share him with his dad.

And I get the delight of sharing a little piece of him every day with all of you. Many of whom I know well and many of whom I know nothing of at all.

Staring into his at once bright and also dark eyes, seeing Bryce look back at me, knowing he now knows me as his mom, all the whys and what ifs fall into the blurry background. And what is important, what is true and known for as long as time, is clearly, distinctly right in front of me.


  1. You are so strong and positive. Keep your head up and always remember the grass is greener on your side in somebody else's eyes......

  2. Trina,

    As someone who has known you all your life, I am continally amazed by your wisdom and thoughtfulness. Your love for Bryce is so radient that it makes me feel positive about all things. I will pray for Bryce and the surgery tomorrow. My thoughts are with you and I am, as always, proud to be your aunt.

    Aunt Gene

  3. I am so sorry I have not sent you an email or left you a comment recently, but I really do check your blog every day, somtimes many times a day just to see how little Bryce is doing. And of course to see how you are holding up as well. I am so happy to see that he is growing bigger and stronger every day, and I truely hope and pray that this surgery will be the last, at least the last really scary one.

    I want to tell you something Katrina. This post really spoke to me. The things you said are so true, but what amazes me the most is that you have already come to realize them. It took me much longer to feel "lucky" for all that I had been through with Travis. Of course I always knew every day I was lucky, or maybe not lucky, but blessed, to have him in my life, still living, still hanging on another day, but that is different than what you are talking about here. I know that people tell you all the time that you are strong, and I know when you hear that you think, "What else would I do? This is my life, this is my baby, he is here and he is fightinig and I have to fight with him, for him." You have to be strong on the outside in order to continue on, but Katrina, your inner strength and beauty is truly unbelievable. You were clearly given this gift and this journey for a reason. You are the perfect mother for Bryce and he is the perfect son for you. Of course it is hard to see your baby going through what he is going really does not explain it, but then is there really a word that would...maybe excruciating. No mother should ever have to see what you have seen. But again, you ARE lucky. You have been given a very special child, and although every mother loves her child unconditionally, I think you will find that love to go much deeper, that pride to grow much stronger, each and every day you love him more and that never ends.

    I am so grateful that Bryce has you for his Mommy. And someday he will understand the hardships you went through to get him through his very tough start. Continue to pour your love out to him and remind him what a miracle he is. You are doing an amazing job!

  4. Bryce is so lucky to have such amazing parents. You and Caleb truly are the best parents.

    Hugs and Prayers always,

  5. Katrina,Caleb, As I read your latest post I can see you are ready to take your special little boy home.I think that God gives little boys like Bryce to very special parents like you.I know that God must have a reason for all this baby has been through, along with you two.It takes a strenght and the heart of a lion to bear the cross that you have, these last few months.I read your words and I see a very wise young woman.Bryce will do well with you two as his mommy and daddy.I pray like you,that this will be the last time they have to do this for him.I pray that God will put this little fellow on the road that leads to his home,to the room that is waiting and his furry friends.And that the sky will be the limit to the things he will accomplish in life.Some day I know you will look back and wonder if all this really happened. I think if you saved all these blogs and messages, and the things you have written so he can read it some day.He would be in awe that he was loved so much, by so many.Just remember God has a special plan for this special little boy.God bless.
    Hugs and Prayers
    Granny Spriggs

  6. We're praying for Bryce and you and Caleb this morning. Bryce has been through so much these past 2 1/2 months, I can't help but get excited about the fact that this may be his last trip to the OR!! We love you and are staying positive out here in Drpping Springs.

    Mary, Jeff and Adalyn

  7. Katrina-the things you are thinking and experiancing is the otherside of mother hood. It's the side all moms think about but don't always experiance. you are getting the most comprehensive view of being a parent. Smething to def. be proud of going through. These are the battle scars of being a mom. They only make you stronger.

    A million aploogies for all spelling and gramatical errors. This keyboard is a nightmare and no spell check. I am lucky I can tell a sigma from a 's'...the keyboard is all greek letters!

    All my love!!


  8. We follow your updates daily, but have been very lazy with our comments. For this I do apologize. I'm glad that your "little man" is doing so well and we pray that he does well today during his surgery.
    Our thoughts and prayers are with all of you and we know that Bryce will be in his new bedroom very soon.
    All our love,
    The Pulley's

  9. Praying for a successful surgery tomorrow and a speedy recovery afterwards for Baby Bryce, for wisdom and steady hands for the docs and comfort and strength for Mommy and Daddy!

    Bristelle and Joel

  10. I check daily for updates on little Bryce and am so glad that they have been so very positive! Bryce chose y'all to be his parents and he made an incredible choice.

    I'll be praying for a successful surgery and a quick recovery!


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