Monday, April 30

The Longest 4 Hours of ... Today

I just dropped Bryce off at Knowles Elementary for his first day of a five day evaluation for the Leander ISD Early Learning Environment. He'll be there for 4 hours each day this week to be assessed by their vision, physical, occupational and speech instructors/therapists. This will determine if he qualifies for the program after his 3rd birthday and for how much of it.

I can honestly say it's been years since I've felt so much anxiety over him. Leaving him there this morning broke my heart and took every ounce of courage I have. Not crying in front of him or them may be one of the hardest things I've ever done.

I walked him in, which apparently I wasn't supposed to do (they come out and get them all at once). And in the five minutes I was there he face planted into a bookshelf, danced and cried twice.

I sat out in the parking lot as the first class was picked up by parents and the second was picked up by staff. The smallest kid in either class still towers a full head over Bryce and it was obvious that there were no other students who couldn't walk or talk.

How is it possible that it's a good idea to leave him there? Who's idea was it to send the most challenged to school a full two years before their peers? Why isn't there a special place for these special children?

How will I survive a week of this?

My best inner self just keeps saying survive this week and then you have until August 27th to get him walking proficiently, at least with his walker. In an ideal world he'd also be signing maybe 10 basic words or even talking a few but I'm trying to be realistic.

Those are the hardest parts. How will I know if he hit his head on the playground when no one was watching? He can't tell me that his diaper was never changed or that another kid was mean to him. He can't even open his lunch box by himself and going these four hours without a nap is going to push him to his absolute limit.

I take some solace in the knowledge that he is sweet and cute. Unfair as it is, things in life are often easier for the nicer and better looking. But he may not always have those advantages so I hope he never learns to use them as a crutch but rather finds a way to catch up. There's just so much catching up to do.

And how can we add another person to our already full plate in the midst of all of this? It's not fair to Bryce and it won't be fair to BOTW when he's being constantly lugged here and there for therapy and specialist appointments.

Will I ever get to a point where I'm not overwhelmed with worry?


  1. I don't think any good parent ever stops being overwhelmed with worry. Special needs or not. But to be fair and honest, of course, you've got more to worry about. What can anyone say to you to make it all better? Nothing. Only that you're not alone.

    For whatever reason, you've been chosen to be Bryce's mom. And no one can care for or love him like you can. Think of Bryce as lucky. Lucky YOU are his mom. You're doing an amazing job!

  2. This must be so hard for you. It was hard for me to drop Brenna off at pre-school for the first time without any challenges. I can only imagine how hard this is. I think you are doing the very best thing for him though. I think he is going to learn more from his peers than he can learn from a therapist. Going to school will probably be the best form of therapy. I hope you get all the services he needs. And, being that stinkin' cute is sure to help him out! Are you able to volunteer later on in the classroom so you can get to know the teachers and see what is happening during the day? Maybe it would calm your nerves if you were able to trust his teachers. Best of luck getting through this week.

    As far as BOTW goes, I have a lot of guilt about having to tote Brenna around to so many appointments for the twins. I don't think she is negatively effected at all though. If anything, I think it helps her to understand that all people are different and have different challenges. I hope it makes her a more understanding, compassionate person. I couldn't help but feel a little sad though when she used to ask me in the morning, "Mommy, what doctor are we going to today?" as if going to the doctor was a playdate or an outing! BOTW will accept everything that your life includes like doctors, therapists, and specialists as normal because he won't know anything different. When we brought the twins home, Brenna told me, "I used to drink milk through my nose too when I was a baby" after seeing the twin's ng tubes. To her, a NICU stay, coming home on oxygen, and eating through ng tubes were just what babies do. Children are very accepting.

  3. Oh, sweetie! It's always gonna be a little hard. Some days it's gonna be really hard. And some days you're gonna wanna scream. But there'll be plenty of cool things along the way that will make you say, "I'm grateful that i have this funny, cute, wacky, odd, sweet, exceptional family." Your circle is gonna grow - and you'll wonder what you ever did before you met these people.

  4. Michelle's point of view helped me, and I am just Bryce's grandmom. A good perpective. Bryce and BOTW are both blessed to have such wonderful parents and grandparents that go the many extra miles, and I am not talking about me. I am blessed to have such a incredible DIL that shares their life for me to read, and takes such good care of her family. MIL

  5. God chose you and Caleb to be Bryce's and BOTW's parents and He doesn't make mistakes! :-) Praying for you all as always!! Mia and Garren will be SO happy that Bryce will be at Knowles with them next year!

    Love you!
    Montoya Family

  6. I was at Knowles for a presentation yesterday and saw you across the parking lot when you were there to pick up Bryce! It was so sweet to see him coming out in his walker, I did a mental cheer for him! It will be neat for my boys to see Bryce up there too! You are doing a great job, and I know you are a really special person to have been chosen to do it, and you are doing it well! Happy Mom Month!
    Joanna & Family

  7. I just started reading your blog. (saw the post in CP connection FB page) It is great! Hang in there mama. Just for another perspective for you, I would give anything to have those kind of services for our little guy. The best we can get is a "special" preschcol 2 days a week for 2 hours. I would much rather have him attend and inlcusive program. It sounds like yours might be amazing! good luck!


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