20 weeks, 5 days

It's odd how, as I close in on 21 weeks in the next couple of days, my foremost thought is that now there is hope.  Soon this baby could have a real chance at survival. The odds would be against it and the situation unmistakably awful, but it would have a chance.

Maybe it's because every day seems to bring with it a new sign of premature labor. It's probably just because I'm so acutely aware of the signs now but it makes me so glad for a weekly OB visit to look forward to. Even when they have put such a strain on our already packed schedule.

It seems as if a week is only as long as I can stay sane without a doctor assuring me that everything is okay.

So until Wednesday's weekly visit I think I'll just continue to force myself to take it easy and focus on planning a nursery. That way by the time this baby makes its appearance, in another few months, it will have a place to come right home to.

 

It's officially a boy! And other interesting news...

I've been so busy with the normal therapy and work stuff plus it seems like Bryce's specialist appointments always all come at once, add to that one or two visits a week for myself and I feel like I'm going to meet myself coming these days.

And the longer I go without updating the blog, the more there is to tell and the further behind I feel.

Sorry guys! Where to start? Hmmm, well I did have my big anatomy ultrasound in Temple yesterday and we are most definitely having another boy! I'm excited that we don't have to buy all new stuff but wondering what living in a house full of boys for the next 18 or so years will look like. No matter, I love my boys and that's all that counts anyway.

I also got a new due date as they've been pretty much guessing how far along I am so far.  Turns out I'm 20 weeks and 3 days today which pushes my due date to 7/31, instead of our 11 year wedding anniversary, 8/4, which is the date I was originally given.   It's kind of nice to get to skip forward a week though I'm not sure I was mentally prepared for being less than a month from where I was when Bryce was born.  Still working on that.

The pictures they sent me home with aren't much to look at and hardly worth posting. So instead, I'll post this video.

Just to set it up, though, I have to say that there are probably literally only a handful of people that have ever had the joy of witnessing Bryce laugh.

He doesn't talk or make much sound at all so that's part of it. A lot of time someone might not even notice that he's laughing when they're looking right at him. Laughing is mine and Caleb's favorite past time and the very way in which we connect and deal with a great deal of emotions from the trauma of giving CPR to our 24 week preemie to the joy of watching Bryce "beat up" his daddy. So consider yourself a special few - you're about to witness a rare and amazing sight.




I hope you can over look the shaking camera - it's just that I cannot resist laughing at these two goof balls!

I hope everyone is having an awesome week and I'll be back soon to update you on all of those doctor appointments of Bryce's as well as mine own.  Thanks for checking in with us!

 

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

I'll be the first to admit that I'm the last to admit I need help. Maybe it's an only child thing, a trait inherited from two strong willed parents or just who I am. Whatever it is, I am fully aware without the ability to overcome.

This was never so painfully obvious as it was in the first year after Bryce was born.  In the beginning, I could hardly put together a coherent thought let alone ask for help.  And as I learned to cope by bottling my fear and emotions, pulling away from close connections and trying to control every possible situation my PTSD raged out of control.

My OB prescribed Zoloft and though I despise daily dose drugs, avoid plastics and generally hug a lot of trees, I took it without question.  For awhile anyway, but that's another story.  It helped me shift out of overdrive and find a bit of balance in my upside down world.

But as we brought Bryce home and transitioned into the solitary confinement of bringing home a micro-preemie during flu and RSV season, we faced new and different challenges.  Now all of the people that I'd been forced to let into my life and heart - the nurses, respiratory techs, clinical techs and neonatologists at Dell - were suddenly and completely gone.

Over time therapists and other service providers have come into our lives, we reconnected with old friends and found ways to stay in touch with our dear Dell friends but some of the most valuable people in my life, some of my most valauble resources for raising a medically fragile child and coping with the stresses that come with that tough job are my fellow Hand to Hold moms.

My Hand to Hold mentor proves to me everyday that we can get through and find a way to keep coping.  The quarterly discussion series have taught me that I don't have to be nice all of the time (for instance, to gawkers in line at the grocery store) and where the best therapists in town are, and the Preemie Mom monthly dinner gives me a night to look forward to every month.  We've done play groups and have plans for more, we've become friends and connected beyond our initial shared experiences. And Kelli Kelley, Hand to Hold's founder, is a friend, mentor and one of my most admired people.

No one of these things alone would have gotten me to where I am today - which is a far cry from where I was a year or two years ago.  So, thank you Hand to Hold for coming into my life and giving me so many things (& people) to be grateful for.  PTSD isn't something that just goes away but with the right resources you can get better.

{The following video, which shows here Bryce's NICU-mate Luke and his awe inspiring momma Kathryn, was produced for Hand to Hold by DadLabs with the support of St. David's Foundation and just so happens to feature yours truly at about 8 minutes in...I hope you enjoy!}

 

House Arrest

It's been a week today since my cerclage surgery and I'm finally feeling pretty normal. I was instructed to try to do nothing for at least a week, which seemed like a prescribed vacation the first day but by day three began feeling like cruel and unusual punishment.

Fortunately, we got me mostly set up to work remotely so it's not just sleeping, reading and catching up on this season's House episodes on Hulu anymore.  It's all too reminiscent of rearranging our lives while living in the Ronald McDonald house and Dell's NICU after Bryce was born.

The worst of it, by a landslide, though has been not being able to pick up Bryce.  I was told that I should avoid it completely for two weeks and as much as possible for the remainder of the pregnancy. 

Do you know how you show a 2 1/2 year old who doesn't walk or talk that you love them?  You PICK HIM UP!  He is so used to crawling up to me wherever we are, reaching up and having me pick him up or help him get to where he wants to go that his world is undoubtedly a little upside down as well all of a sudden.  And it's not like I could prepare him for this in any way, even if some one of the nine million doctors I've seen had bothered to mention this little bit of information beforehand. 

The look in his sweet little confused face when he's trying his hardest to claw his way into my lap and and I'm not helping him up is enough to send a mother over the edge.  Granted I may be overly emotional and sensitive from the hormones, anxiety and week of house arrest but dammit it feels real to me!

I may wallow in a shallow pool of self pity but don't doubt for a second that I know just how blessed we are.  To have family around that is willing and able to help, whether with nourishment, child care  or dishes, has gotten us through these seven days mostly unscathed. 

It's hard for me to see everyone else taking care of my baby while I sit back and watch - so hard.  But what would we do if we didn't have them here to do so???!!!  I shudder to think.

Speaking of shuddering at the thought, we did have an ER visit on Thursday evening.  The verdict is that a clot from the surgery broke loose and caused the sudden onslaught of bleeding and cramping.  I was hanging in there with it for a bit but when I started to have what felt like contractions (exactly like the night Bryce was born - and I thought I might not remember, ha) 10 minutes apart we decided we'd rather waste an ER trip than risk it.  I have this overwhelming need to remove any possibility of self doubt or guilt from the pregnancy. 

And this is harder than you might think.  A million times a day I think about doing something, picking up a basket full of laundry or giving in to Bryce just this one time, and I have to check myself against this impossibly high bar I've set.

You see, the guilt of not getting to a hospital the night Bryce was born consumed me for the first year of his too hard life.  It's impossible not to wonder how different he and his battles might have been had I been overly cautious and gone to the ER.  Maybe they could have stopped the labor or at least he would have been born in a place where they knew how to care for him. 

I've since learned many a coping skill and manage to live my daily life without much thought on the subject.  But this pregnancy, especially this last week, has brought all of that flooding back in.  I should have just taken some home baked treats to that ER staff at Scott & White Round Rock because there is a good chance they'll be getting to know me.  I simply refuse to increase the chance, even in the slightest, that I'll have any regrets with BOTW.  Once is more than enough for a lifetime, thank you.

On the up side, we had another ultrasound in the ER to make sure BOTW was doing well and boy oh boy was he!  {By the way, I say "he" hoping that there is some chance fate might like to prove me and that boy part seeing doctor wrong} BOTW was somersaulting all around, making it incredibly difficult for them to get a good heart rate read.  We finally got one and several pictures that actually look like baby - very exciting!

I haven't had any more unusual pain or cramping since and am generally relieved that we went, even if it is already getting incredibly old showing my hoo ha to yet another stranger.  I could quite possibly be working on a Guiness record at this point.  Maybe I should be keeping track?
 
 

What a day, What a day

Well, really the only positive thing I have to say about yesterday is I'm so glad it is over. Nothing seemed to go even remotely as expected. We arrived at 9 a.m. as instructed and were shortly thereafter informed that they would not be working me in between c-sections and that we could leave for an hour and come back.  So we washed the car and Caleb got breakfast - don't worry though because he had McDonald's, since I would never eat McDonald's breakfast anyway.

After we got back we waited for a couple of hours in the waiting room before finally getting put in a room.  I think they only did that because they felt sorry for us, which was fine with us at that point.

The room was nice and very comfortable.  They started an IV but let me keep my clothes on, Caleb got a whole couch to himself and I got the bed and remote.  We hung out like that for several more hours and I discovered that after about 12 hours without eating even a pregnant lady will eventually give up on food.

Finally in the early afternoon they had me change into a gown so they could run fluids, worried that I was getting dehydrated. After they dumped a liter of fluids in me I started to feel better and shortly after they started sending in doctors for this, that and the other. 

Caleb finally got to see Baby on the Way in action, which made his day.  And around 3 p.m., 6 hours after our initial arrival, they wheeled me back to the OR.

There they put me on the table and the anesthesiologist went to work with a shot in the spine of Lidocain to help with the extreme discomfort of the spinal.  The first spinal was half blocked and exploded all over my back so they did it again.  I've never felt the blood drain from my face so quickly and if the nurse hadn't been holding me I'm sure I would have fallen off that table.  They said I handled it well but they must just say that to everyone who survives.

I was immediately laid down and the numbness began rapidly spreading from my toes upward.  It's the oddest feeling to feel all numb, tingly and heavy.  My instinct was to try to move my feet to wake up my legs but when I couldn't my anxiety level went through the roof so I just focused on ignoring that instinct. 

After 10 minutes of positioning they finally had my legs hanging up in the holsters where they wanted them.  This was one of the worst parts of the whole thing.  I felt like I could feel me heavy legs lying on the table but I could see them hanging above me and being moved around.  Talk about trippy!!

Then the procedure started right in the middle of shift change so all of the anesthisiologists left and switched with some new lady who would occasionally hover over my face but spend a lot of time chatting on her cell phone.  I was overcome with nausea the whole time, despite they IV anti-nausea medication they were running and every bone in my body was freaking out but I was trying to focus on the light on the ceiling and my breathing. 

I could hear everything going on so when they were having trouble getting "the sharpest needle they have" through my cervix that was concerning.  But when I started bleeding "a lot" and they couldn't figure out where it was coming from, I was pretty much ready to say never mind to the whole thing.  They found that the clamps they put on my cervix to hold it down so they could reach it to do the stitching were causing the bleeding and they were able to control it with some sort of cauterization goo.  After what seemed like forever of hearing them debate how far up on my cervix was safe to stitch they finally announced that they were done.

The doctor said that when they started my cervix was patent, she could get a finger easily inside but that after they were done there was less than a centimeter of play.  I heard her say to the other doctor, "that should give her the best chance of making this pregnancy work."  It was a hard thing to hear the doubt and wonder in her voice.  I had reassured myself all along that this was going to do it but the truth is that if I go into labor the cerclage won't stop it. 

I still think it's worth a try though and despite what an awful ordeal it ended up being I would probably do it again.

Since there was more bleeding than expected they gave me some antibiotics and had to test my blood to see if it was RH negative because there is a chance my body could attack the baby if we have different blood types.  Of course, they couldn't just take my word for it, knowing that I'd been tested when I was pregnant with Bryce and had the Rogam shot the night he was born.  After 5 or 6 sticks by 3 different people they finally got the blood they needed to confirm what I already knew and gave me the shot.  By this time, 3 hours post-op, the effects of the spinal had mostly worn off and the pain was quickly becoming overwhelming.  They gave me what they could and finally let us leave at around 8 p.m. - 11 hours after we'd arrived. 

We got home just after 9 p.m. last night and I've been surprised by how much more painful it is than I anticipated.  It feels like a combination of really bad cramps and my insides being ripped apart.  I'm trying to take as little Vicodin as possible for fear of the effects on the baby so bear with me if I'm not as chipper as I'd like.

One up side to yesterday was our nurse, she was amazing.  She got me literally 10 warm blankets after the surgery because after being uncovered for an hour in the freezing OR I was shivering and cold to my core.  Poor Caleb had the thermostat set to 78 degrees at one point.

And fortunately we've had lots of help from my parents including my dad taking Bryce to his eye doctor appointment early this morning and my mom babysitting both Bryce and I this afternoon.  I don't even want to think about what we would do without their constant and much appreciated help.  {Thank you guys, we love and appreciate you more than you know!!}

So now I'm just trying to take it easy and recover because life goes on and things need to be done.  I'll go back to Temple weekly for the Progesterone therapy starting next week and for a few weeks until I can get in with the OB here in Round Rock.  That should be a breeze compared to the cerclage!

Thanks to everyone who checked in with us, via Facebook, text message, blog comments, etc. yesterday.  It kept our spirits up and made the day go by quicker - you guys are the bestest!