Friday, February 3

Freaking Out

I started this post on Wednesday, just after my appointment with the new OB.  Here is where I was emotionally at that point:

For the most part, I try to save my freak outs for the privacy of our home and the likes of my poor husband. But today is just not one of those days.


I just left the new OB, whom I had to pick randomly from a list of 12 on Scott & White's website. She was nice enough - but she said that SW won't pay for my perinatologist to do the cerclage because she can. She's done 2 before so she'll admittedly be nervous but I shouldn't worry too much. Ha.

She did another ultrasound and said that my cervix is definitely shortening already so we need to get this done ASAP but it doesn't have to be today. She also had to tell me that putting holes in my cervix means there is a chance that my water could break and we could lose the baby.

She said a lot of other stuff - like we'll do the surgery at St. David's in Georgetown, I'll be awake but numb from the waist down and draped like a c-section so I can't see anything, and I should expect to be able to leave a couple of hours after.  Mostly I heard the sounds of the Peanut's teachers, "wah wha wha...."

I've been trying to get back to finish the post, I know a lot of you are wondering what is going on but I've also been trying to wrap my head around everything.

I think I'm mostly there now though still freaking out about the fact that my cervix is shortening already, at only 14 weeks, about the risks with the cerclage and the chances of getting somewhere near full term with this baby. 

Not to mention, worried at the news from the OB that if I go into labor before 36 weeks and they can't stop the delivery that I'll have the baby at the Round Rock facility - NO NICU THERE - and they'll transfer the baby to TEMPLE.  But if they can stop the labor then they'll transfer us both to Temple.  I'm not sure which of those outcomes scares me more - having yet another baby sent to a NICU I've never seen without me or leaving Caleb and Bryce at home while I go to Temple by myself.

I have to just stop there because I'll get my anxiety levels all out of control if I let myself go down that road even a couple of steps.

It's funny though, not exactly ha ha funny but odd to think, at 14 weeks with Bryce we were talking names, planning his nursery and looking forward to finding out if he was a he or a she. 

We were blissfully naive. 

But I can't help but wonder if I'm already showing signs, maybe I was with him too.  Maybe if we'd gone to a traditional OB instead of a birthing center they would have done more ultrasounds and caught the changes in my cervix.  Maybe we could have prevented his preterm birth and therefore all of the challenges he faces on a daily basis would be nonexistent.  Maybe.

Please don't bother commenting about how I shouldn't go there, about how questioning the past and blaming myself are neither going to change anything nor help my own mental state.  I know this.  But I also know that if you were me, you'd do the same thing.  I know.

All questioning and blaming aside, I'm resolving to focus on resting, getting over this sinus infection before surgery day and distracting myself to the utmost until pre-op on Tuesday afternoon.

Wish me luck, ya'll - I'm gonna need it.


  1. XOXO love you sweetie rest up:) Let me know if you need anything even a babysitter:)

  2. I don't blame you for freaking out! That's a ton of info and what if's to take on at once. I'm SO sorry! i'm just wishing the best for you this time around!

    Sending some big positive thoughts your way - tracey cantu

  3. You are absolutely right. I would be freaking out as well. Scratch that, I DID freak out! I completely understand Katrina. I think that it really is great that you are getting the cerclage. I can't help but wonder if that would have made all the difference in the world for me, but instead they just watched me "closely", obviously not close enough. I know there are risks involved with that as well but I really think the benefits will outweigh the risks. I really feel for you because I know exactly how terrifying pregnancy after a preemie is. Big hugs to you!!

  4. I know you said not to, but as a statement of fact they almost NEVER look at cervical length in singleton pregnancies without a history. Even at high risk OBs. Unless you identify just the right symptoms...

    Definitely all sounds stressful. Did she seem like she would be willing to consult with any of the other SW MFMs/OBs on the cerclage and planning?

    Neither Temple option sounds great, but I really think at this point you just have to operate your best within the parameters you have, recognize what parts you can change and just hope/pray/cross everything you've got.

    Cerclage is day surgery? How about picking up Bryce both now and after? And just because I'm curious, did she give you the measurement on it? And had you had a value previously this pregnancy?

  5. Katrina, you've made me cry. I sit here worried for you and sympathize greatly for your desire as a woman, and mom, to have a healthy baby. Please use me as someone to freak out with as I KNOW I will use you some day to do the same! I'm always here to listen to you and I promise, I won't sugar coat what you're going through. I know better not to do that. My thoughts are with you and your family on a daily basis.

  6. I agree with Mackenzie. I'm freaking out for you and praying for your cervix (ha!) I can't imagine going through all of this with a doctor you barely know.

    As far as the "what if" questions with Bryce, I can relate to those feelings. If it makes you feel any better knowing this at all, I was seen by an OB and hig-risk perinatalogist from the beginning just because I was at high-risk because of them being twins. Despite appointments every two weeks, several normal ultrasounds, and a fetal fibronectin test that said with a supposed 99% accuracy that I would not deliver within the next 2 weeks, the twins were born less than a week later at 24 weeks. Some things defy all explanations. I know it is natural to wonder "what if"; I still do it all the time, but even if you were seen by an OB and high-risk doctor, the outcome could have still been the same.

    We can watch Bryce for you any time. I'm sure my little ones would love playing with him. Please let me know if you ever need to drop him off to go to an appointment or anything.

    Praying for you and your baby.

  7. Katrina, in all the moments of uncertainty and doubt, rest in knowing that someone you love is praying for you. I am praying you have peace, that your doctor's hands are guided skillfully and that you recover quickly. One day at a time, right? Hang in there, momma.

  8. We are all praying for you and hope everything works out. I wish we were there and could do more to help, but know that we are always thinking of you and saying prayers. We love you Trina. Give Bryce a kiss from us.

    Aunt Gene, Uncle Lolo, Timothy

  9. Good luck and good thoughts for Wednesday! And the next, let's say 22 weeks!


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